The 10 “Joys” of Pregnancy

“For most people, finding out you’re pregnant is a super exciting time in your life. I peed on 9 pregnancy tests so I could relive the excitement over and over, despite how much my husband made fun of me. But, there are parts of pregnancy that are not so magical. And by not magical, I mean a straight up annoying struggle.”

 

  1. NAUSEA – You get so nauseous, the mere thought of food makes you want to die. And say goodbye to all your favorite snacks, you’re going to hate those too. You love avocado toast, don’t you? Yeah, pregnancy brain can make it smell like burning tires.
  2. PEEING EVERY 5 SECONDS – “I already drink a lot of water, it’ll basically be the same.” NOPE. You’re going to have to pee so often that sometimes nothing even comes out, but your brain will still alert you of a pending bladder emergency so dire that it will send you waddling like a terrified penguin to the nearest public potty.
  3. STOMACH SLEEPER? – Or back, right side, or even just flat? Not anymore! You’re basically going to find yourself sleeping sitting up with a left side lean for fear of all the terrible things that will happen to your baby if you even dream of changing positions. Fear and uncomfortable sleep for 9 months? Check.
  4. HEARTBURN – Remember the sleeping upright thing I just mentioned like 6 seconds ago? Yeah, that’s because you’re going to have a relentless heartburn so awful that no matter how much magical organic apple cider vinegar you drink, or tums you eat, sleeping upright will be your only relief. Get used to chalk colored poop, just saying…
  5. LIKE BREATHING? – Yeah, I did too until my daughter decided to grow into the space my lungs used to be. Hello short breaths for like 4 months. I mean, who really likes deep cleansing breaths anyway?
  6. HORRENDOUS BACK PAIN – It didn’t occur to you that adding a giant watermelon to you front side would make you feel like you aged 100 years and now need a cane and/or walker, did it? Well it does, yippee. Real tip tho, swimming feels ah-mazing on all the sore things — takes all the weight off and makes you feel like a magical mermaid again.
  7. GRANNY PANNIES – First of all, you know you say pannies… Second, you’re going to need to get yourself some. For real. No matter how that watermelon exits your body, gigantic football field sized pads are going to be your future. The sooner you accept it, the better.
  8. LABOR – Ever puked because you were in so much pain, even after you got the epidural you swore you didn’t want and then threaten to kill the doctor if they don’t give you another booster of it? You’re going to love it.
  9. MATERNITY CLOTHES – If you thought your options were limited and underwhelming during pregnancy, wait until you see the nursing bras society thinks you should wear. Frumpy, blah and ugh are a few thoughts that come to mind.. You’re not old and boring now, seriously, I swear. Moms are still allowed to slay. If not harder and more ferociously than before.
  10. SWEET TINY ADORABLE ANGEL BABY – No sarcasm here, you grew a human inside you, and that’s pretty fricking amazing. A teeny little squishy human that looks like you, and loves you, and will grow up to say mommy in a way that will melt your heart all over the damn place. The reward? A lifetime of joy for all the “joys” of pregnancy.

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